04.28.04

I need to get out of Richmond, as soon as possible. School ends officially (my last exam) on May 7th, that's fucking next week. I could not be more stoked.

I think that I may take up my boyfriend's offer of temporarily staying with him while I get on my feet. I would love to live in or around D.C. for a while. However, I don't honestly want to compltely quit school.
I'm thinkin that if I move in with him, then I could take classes at the local community college. Just one here or there. I KNOW if I take a semester off, then I am just not going to go.

So I think I might go ahead and just take classe in what I am actually interested in. Philosophy, Sociology, Anthropology. All of those classes absolutely fascinate me. I took a few classes in Ethics and I thought it was the most amazing class. I figure while I'm young, let me just take some classes, feel things out, figure out my career later.

Classes start May 19t ish?
My birthday is May 23rd. I would like to be in Richmond for my birthday, but if I have classes that could present a problem.


Although, I am still contemplating the whole living with Gregory thing.
I don't want it to ruin anything.

get away

Give me a vacation. I want it to be outside of Virginia, with a max of three other people to share it with. I would like it to have something to do with the winter.. and nothing to do with the actual way that we live our real lives.

dinner

When we (as Americans) think of having or cooking Italian food.. we automatically think of spaghetti and pastas, things like that. Then when we think of Asian food, maybe rice and more healthy foods come to mind.

So I wonder when people that are not American decide to make an American dish what their minds automatically think of. The only thing that comes to mind are chips.. or McDonalds.

Curious. I'll ask my non-American friends.

Jehs' Wish List '08

THINGS I WISH:

01. That I had the ability to concentrate while in class.
02. That my brother's dad didn't die.
03. *To have the ability to save my papaw from passing away anytime soon.
04. Control the seasons, so Autumn and Winter were longer.
05. That I had unlimited traveling funds to see the world.
06. That I could have grown up in the 80's.
07. *That I could "love and be loved" without any hesitation.
08. Be famous, even if the spotlight were temporary.
09. Own an elephant, as a personal pet.
10. That my boyfriend would show more of an emotional connection towards me, and not just a physical one.
11. Be able to understand my father's logic behind the dumb shit he pulls.
12. Wish I knew whatI would be doing ten years from now, so I could get a head start.
13. That when I was thirteen and got my braces taken off, that I had NOT lost the retainer within the first week.
14. To be able to look in the mirror without only seeing flaws I hate.
15. Find an absolutely amazing deal on an apartment.
16. Have a Siberan Husky puppy (to go along with that great apartment).
17. That I didn't feel the need to keep to myself so much, allow mysel to trust more.
18. Make a better income.
19. Win a large sum of money in the lottery or on a scratch off, give 1/2 to charity, and the other 1/2 goes in the bank while I still keep my shitty party time job for recreational purposes.
20. Finish my book.
21. Learn to play the piano.
22. Aquire an affinity towards all human life.
23. Be able to stop time.

01.01.08

I was talking with one of my co-workers recently, Angela. She's mmm somewhere between 24-27, married, happy.
She was asking me about my current relationship with the man I'm seeing. She seemed so interested so I gave in and decided to answer whatever she asked. I don't have any "girlfriends" really that I talk to about much so it sort of was a nice conversation that I don't get to have too often.

She asked question, I elaborated on almost everything she could have wanted to know.
There were a few things she did ask or bring up that seemed to bother me.


One. (not verbatim-->) What do you adore the most about him

In all of the actual serious relationships I've had, (which I guess would really only be 2 or 3) there has always been one thing that each boy will do that I absolutely adore.

- When I dated Jimmy, he always like to be touching me. Not in a sexual manner, but just liked to be close to me. If I was driving or in the passenger seat he would always have his hand on my leg, holding my hand, or rubbing my neck. If we were out somewhere. he in some way would be touching me. Hand on my back, holding me, just something. I absolutely loved that he loved to always be that close to me. I am not a sexually physical person so much, but I am a very close touchy-feely person and he understood that.

- When I dated Blake throughout highschool, he had this thing where he would touch my face when we were laying together. I guess for example watching a movie. If we were talking, he would always run his fingertips across my cheek.. or my neck. No matter what we would be talking about. He loved running his fingers along my skin, and I loved it more than anything.

-The kid I am with now, Gregory. He always does this one thing I particularly like. Right before we go to sleep, he would always kiss my back about a bajillion times. I know he couldn't see it, but it made me make the biggest smile ever. I loved it, and even though it's something as silly as that.... it for some reason gave me this sense of that he loved having me around. Actions speak louder than words, and that's what that meant to me. I would be on my side and he would have his arms wrapped around me, lay his head so close to me that I could feel his heart beating. Lately, he hasn't been kissing my back, or for that matter sleeping as close to me. He tends to roll to the opposite side of the bed. I miss the kisses on my back, and feeling his chest pressed against me. I guess it really does make me feel safe to have him there.


Two. Does he come down to see you often?

This is one of the most important questions, and probably the most controversial. He lives roughly an hour and fifteen mins away (give or take). I'll make it perfectly clear to start, that I absolutely hate living/staying where I am in Richmond. So, any chance given I do like getting out of the city. However, Gregory and I met/started dating on New Years. I'm not sure that we have yet to go (as of the date of this post) one weekend without seeing one another. Though, I should make it clear that he has been to Richmond I will say possibly two times in these past four-ish months. The first time, was the very first weekend after we met. He convinced his roommate to drive down and they stayed for a night. I loved it. The second time, he came down because there was a band he wanted to see and they just happened to be playing close to me. They again stayed for one night (him and his roommate).

Gregory does not have his car on the road. Since I have met him, he has not had his car on the road. It's not registered due to some bullshit with his ex, or ex's maybe, fucking up his car. He needs a new windshield. Now ever since the beginning of Febuary I can remember him saying almost every week: "I'll get it fixed this weekend." I do not have my sights set too high for this to happen anytime in the near future, at all.

Now, despite the fact that I really do like getting out of Richmond.... it honestly would be nice for him to drop by every once in a while. I'm driving over 200 miles every weekend to go see him, plus whatever running around we do beause we then have to take my car again. I don't mind driving, and I don't mind going to see him. I prefer it, but really.. a visit from him would be amazing. I know he doesn't have a car, but he's also been saying since I've met him he will get it fixed.

Everytime I go up to see him, he takes care of me. I'm not sure I have payed for much of anything since I've met him, which is really weird. It's nice every once in a while, and yes that is taking care of me. But.. I guess I just feel like I'm lacking the fact of him showing that he cares for me.

- - -

There were other things, but I guess those are the only two things that I wish would change.
I think that we have a pretty good relationship, and for dating right when we met.. it's lasting longer than I could have anticipated. I'm happy about that, but just suprised at the same time.

moving, hopefully june-ish

So within recent months I have concluded that there is only one thing that is honestly stopping me from moving, and that would be myself.
I have, for longer than I can remember, have wanted to move out of the city I am currently living in. Shit, probably for over five years now I have been bitching about it.
So now, I have enough money to be on my own. I am fully capable of supporting myself, and find ways to live on my own. I feel like I already do this now, but not so much since family is within a five mile radius.

I build certain relationships with almost everyone that I know. I have not any two friends that I treat the same, or any that are more close to my heart than the other. I am careful to befriend certain people, those I know that won't be there in the long run. I don't want anyone holding me back from leaving. I have never had a problem with ending a relationship/friendship with someone because I have never allowed that person to affect me.

If someone can make me cry, then that is how I have realized that they have gotten to me. (And I hate that) The only family that I speak with is my mother, grandpa (papaw), and brother. My papaw is the only person in my entire family that can make me cry. When he dies, my whole world is going to fall apart, and I know this.

I think my feeling so detached is thus strung by the fact that I keep it this way. Now that I am trying to leave, I feel like that was the worse choice I could have ever made. It is a habit I have followed since elementary school and it has finally caught up to me. I am afraid of leaving everyone that knows me.

I am going to build these temporarily constant relationships only for them to be nonexsistant in the post months.

I am going to fuck myself over either way.

and in time

THIS WILL BE ME
GIVE ME FIVE YEARS