17 December 2008
Small Portions Hitting Hard
It was nothing really, but something small and funny turned into a huge hilarious ordeal. I wish we could have got the fall on film. hah <3333
Oh Sabzzzz
Our friend Dr. Gabe, who's not really in any way affiliated with medicine or the practice of. He's a character, we adore him.
16 December 2008
Idiots (We Love)
part I
part II
We can't really burn them too much, but these videos are enough.
Jazzy Jeff & Kenny.
part II
We can't really burn them too much, but these videos are enough.
Jazzy Jeff & Kenny.
14 December 2008
12 December 2008
The Aftermath of Rachel
So, this video blog could either be the best idea ever or the worst. Here is what happened when we got home from our encounters with the American Apparel elf crew, Rach and Asylum. Embarrassing, yes, but we are just going to blame it on the amount of cupcakes consumed.
Also, we are limiting ourselves to Jumbo Slice twice a week. This weeks quota is already filled. Lame.
Also, we are limiting ourselves to Jumbo Slice twice a week. This weeks quota is already filled. Lame.
TATZZZZ
This girl was all about our "TATZ" and getting "INKED"
She was like "OMG Do they have meanings! Can you tell me everything?"
"I have this sweet rose on my hip, we match!"
Siq tatz Rach, GW Holiday Party.
But for real, we're friends. Her roomie's got a skybox to Britney Circus, we need those tickets.
BFFL
10 December 2008
08 December 2008
05 December 2008
04 December 2008
part two
After everything, I've still decided to befriend you. Yes, I believe in forgiveness, and I can forgive you for everything. However that does not mean I want to keep you as a friend in my life. You use to tell me "something always happens" or "something always comes up" Recently, that's all you have been yelling in my ear, and frankly, I don't want to hear it anymore.
Like I said in my previous post, my letter to you, I wish you well.
You controlled the outcome of this, and it's sad to say it's come down to the fact that I no longer believe anything you say. I no longer want to even try and convince myself. You said you wanted to earn my trust, my love, again. Actions speak louder than words. This is me saying if you need me, call me. If not, live well.
Like I said in my previous post, my letter to you, I wish you well.
You controlled the outcome of this, and it's sad to say it's come down to the fact that I no longer believe anything you say. I no longer want to even try and convince myself. You said you wanted to earn my trust, my love, again. Actions speak louder than words. This is me saying if you need me, call me. If not, live well.
02 December 2008
30 November 2008
25 November 2008
22 November 2008
20 November 2008
19 November 2008
DRUG OVERDOSE
I got carded buying fucking medicine.
CVS is doing their part in making sure you're atleast 18 to fight Teen's Dependency on Cough Medicines.
Way to go guys.
18 November 2008
match made in heaven
I want a boy who fucking matches.
Not necessarily this young stud, but you get the picture.
17 November 2008
never fearrrr
I've had quite a few people tell me that I'm recently crazy for moving, especially to D.C.
I'm too young for this and that..
No money, no set job..
No set place to live..
Howfuckingever,
.I moved
.Making good (hah, decent) money
.Live in the BEST part of D.C.
.LOVE life so much better
At least I'm making movesssss.
I went back to RIchmond. Saw all the same ol' kids, pullin' the same ol' shit.
I may be young, and possibly completely irrational, but definitely livin the life.
So content, doin so well.
Carefree.
I'm too young for this and that..
No money, no set job..
No set place to live..
Howfuckingever,
.I moved
.Making good (hah, decent) money
.Live in the BEST part of D.C.
.LOVE life so much better
At least I'm making movesssss.
I went back to RIchmond. Saw all the same ol' kids, pullin' the same ol' shit.
I may be young, and possibly completely irrational, but definitely livin the life.
So content, doin so well.
Carefree.
12 November 2008
moving date
So some bitch in my building ratted on my roomie saying I was living with him without being on the lease. So either my roomie gets kicked out, the rent upped, or I have to be put on the lease for rent to stay the same.
FUCK
So I have to be moved out of my awesomely-located apartment building by the FIRST of December.
I feel like I'm slightly fucked here. I have a few friends trying to move, etc, however this seems like it's going to go downhill fast.
Not too worried, but I will be when December rolls around and I'm homeless againnnnn.
FUCK
So I have to be moved out of my awesomely-located apartment building by the FIRST of December.
I feel like I'm slightly fucked here. I have a few friends trying to move, etc, however this seems like it's going to go downhill fast.
Not too worried, but I will be when December rolls around and I'm homeless againnnnn.
09 November 2008
simple pleasures
Papaw would always come pick me up from school back in the day, and we would go get a 2 for $1 deal on apple pies at McDonalds. Such a simple life pleasure, so cheap, with such a good memory. =)
i'm lovin it
03 November 2008
let's have fun & forget
I'm all for these parties, and these bars.
All the nights that are too long to even remember everything.
But I'd rather be holding someone's hand throughout the night,
than having all these lame ass mother fuckers tryin to spit some
game that I'm not trying to here.
I'm not looking to be in love.
I'm looking to just be around someone new.
(But shall I clarify someone who's not lame as fuck and wasting my time)
UPDATE:
In the dirty rich, bout to be stuntin
All the nights that are too long to even remember everything.
But I'd rather be holding someone's hand throughout the night,
than having all these lame ass mother fuckers tryin to spit some
game that I'm not trying to here.
I'm not looking to be in love.
I'm looking to just be around someone new.
(But shall I clarify someone who's not lame as fuck and wasting my time)
UPDATE:
In the dirty rich, bout to be stuntin
02 November 2008
colours
For the past ten months I haven't been painting. I don't know why.
I'm back in Richmond for the weekend, and just made my favourite piece thus far.
=)
I'm back in Richmond for the weekend, and just made my favourite piece thus far.
=)
31 October 2008
29 October 2008
playdate celebration
Got my arm stuck in the teeter totter, so we chose not take pictures of that humiliating incident.
court what what
THANKS TO DAN for saving me!
My ass bout to been in jail for SIX mother fucking months.
bitches get stitches on the real
Long story short, if you pull a stool out from under someone, you best expect to get fucking hit upside the head with that shit.
I guess I just have good karma. Come on, I really am a good person guys.
My ass bout to been in jail for SIX mother fucking months.
bitches get stitches on the real
Long story short, if you pull a stool out from under someone, you best expect to get fucking hit upside the head with that shit.
I guess I just have good karma. Come on, I really am a good person guys.
26 October 2008
25 October 2008
from mia
Dear Jehs,
This isnt rilly what ur getting but close enough. So here is a sample of how much more awseome your going to look in a bout a week.
!!!!!
xo,
THANKS!!
This isnt rilly what ur getting but close enough. So here is a sample of how much more awseome your going to look in a bout a week.
!!!!!
xo,
THANKS!!
24 October 2008
more than likely you'll never
read this, and i'm not sure if that's why i'm posting it.
Everything is off my chest now, and this is what I've wanted to say.
I can take being without you. I have lived up to my end of the deal, and I am content with myself. The only lingering issue that haunts me is that I put my trust in you, and you broke it. Not in the way many would assume, but you broke it nonetheless. I should have listened to my instincts, perhaps; though others assured me that you were a decent man, a trustworthy man, something in the back of my head made me feel differently. And here I sit, alone, proven correct.
Your empty reassurances of always being by my side were false. Actions speak louder than words. You can tell me you care about me until you are blue in the face, but your actions bespeak a different emotion.
I suppose this is a classic case of two people not really knowing the other as they thought. In retrospect I think our priorities were always out of sync. You are a very intelligent and motivated person as am I; but our wants and needs were always different. While I craved stability, security and trust, you craved status, admiration and adventure. Neither of us is wrong; just different.
I am sorry things ended up the way they did. I still miss you at times, and am disappointed that in the end you did not feel it necessary to come clean with me.
I still wish you the best.
Everything is off my chest now, and this is what I've wanted to say.
I can take being without you. I have lived up to my end of the deal, and I am content with myself. The only lingering issue that haunts me is that I put my trust in you, and you broke it. Not in the way many would assume, but you broke it nonetheless. I should have listened to my instincts, perhaps; though others assured me that you were a decent man, a trustworthy man, something in the back of my head made me feel differently. And here I sit, alone, proven correct.
Your empty reassurances of always being by my side were false. Actions speak louder than words. You can tell me you care about me until you are blue in the face, but your actions bespeak a different emotion.
I suppose this is a classic case of two people not really knowing the other as they thought. In retrospect I think our priorities were always out of sync. You are a very intelligent and motivated person as am I; but our wants and needs were always different. While I craved stability, security and trust, you craved status, admiration and adventure. Neither of us is wrong; just different.
I am sorry things ended up the way they did. I still miss you at times, and am disappointed that in the end you did not feel it necessary to come clean with me.
I still wish you the best.
23 October 2008
22 October 2008
180's
Sucks my first turned out to be a liar, and all in all hurt me in the end more than he did throughout the entirety of us dating.
I'm not so much upset, probably like I should be, just disappointed.
I, honestly, don't expect much from people. I never have, my dad taught me that, whether it's a good thing or not. So when you shoot that to hell, you must have really been fucking shitty.
p.s. My ma ditched me this weekend. My FUCKING MOM! What the hell? I felt so lame.
I'm not so much upset, probably like I should be, just disappointed.
I, honestly, don't expect much from people. I never have, my dad taught me that, whether it's a good thing or not. So when you shoot that to hell, you must have really been fucking shitty.
p.s. My ma ditched me this weekend. My FUCKING MOM! What the hell? I felt so lame.
21 October 2008
20 October 2008
nick & norah
Awesome. What a good movie, too cute.
Better than I had anticipated, all around funny and a good story. People have been saying if you like Juno you will like this. I don't know, I like almost any movie. However, this one could possibly shoot to top five.
18 October 2008
16 October 2008
life
I know that sometimes people do things that just can't explain, and that's okay.
You don't have to justify everything you do, whether it was hurtful or not.
Just sometimes, you do things for unexplainable reasons.
It's a common delusion that talking about things will make them better.
TRUE.
You don't have to justify everything you do, whether it was hurtful or not.
Just sometimes, you do things for unexplainable reasons.
It's a common delusion that talking about things will make them better.
TRUE.
15 October 2008
snaps
Someone on the street told me today, "You're just another pretty face who's going to be forgotten for not making a difference"
I said, what kind of difference am I suppose to make if I'm just another face?
He hesitated and said, "You're making one right now. Taking time out of your day to talk to some poor man. You're not a pretty face, you're a kind one."
Hey, thanks old man on 16th St.
I said, what kind of difference am I suppose to make if I'm just another face?
He hesitated and said, "You're making one right now. Taking time out of your day to talk to some poor man. You're not a pretty face, you're a kind one."
Hey, thanks old man on 16th St.
14 October 2008
13 October 2008
12 October 2008
10 October 2008
goin to the gay bar
And I went with 2 of the most adorable gay men ever
And because I didn't look butch I didn't get hit on that much
Thaannk Gooddd
too funny that women are so much more smooth though
=)
09 October 2008
07 October 2008
06 October 2008
N/A
- I feel like I've been getting my hopes up way too high lately.
- Like I'm not preparing at all for things to fall apart.
- But for some reason they do every fucking time.
Give me new friends, a new heart, and possibly a living situation that's do-able.
05 October 2008
TTYL
No longer dwelling, angry, stressed, or pre-occupied.
My mind's finally clear, despite I've been nothing but drinking for the past two weeks.
Maybe it cleared my mind, but I could never be thinking more straight.
Got my move straight, city, friends, job, making that money.
Everyone negative is out of the loop.
So stoked, not even worried about a thing.
My mind's finally clear, despite I've been nothing but drinking for the past two weeks.
Maybe it cleared my mind, but I could never be thinking more straight.
Got my move straight, city, friends, job, making that money.
Everyone negative is out of the loop.
So stoked, not even worried about a thing.
01 October 2008
30 September 2008
correction
I am now getting my chest tattooed on October 30th, so it will look fucking tight on Halloween.
However the only argument that I am getting is that it's going to take away from my elegance?
Didn't think I had any.
OVER&OUT
However the only argument that I am getting is that it's going to take away from my elegance?
Didn't think I had any.
OVER&OUT
27 September 2008
fuckin' clean up
So Gregory had a girl sleep over the new house the first weekend that they moved. I don't know who it was, and I don't care. And it's not even any of my business.
But it does become a problem when I come over, and I'm only laying in the bed we once shared, and when I get up I see another girl's shirt that has been left on the floor.
I asked him who's it was, he played dumb, and I walked out like it didn't effect me. I didn't bring it up while I was there. They were going to a mutual friend's birthday that night. I found it really odd that Greg had asked me to come hang out that night, but then did not want me to go to Jordan's birthday.
He tells me that he hasn't slept or messed around with anyone else, and I've got to say that's really hard to believe. I believe him, but I know I'm a fool for it.
He's done so many things after we broke up that should make me want to have nothing to do with him.
But it does become a problem when I come over, and I'm only laying in the bed we once shared, and when I get up I see another girl's shirt that has been left on the floor.
I asked him who's it was, he played dumb, and I walked out like it didn't effect me. I didn't bring it up while I was there. They were going to a mutual friend's birthday that night. I found it really odd that Greg had asked me to come hang out that night, but then did not want me to go to Jordan's birthday.
He tells me that he hasn't slept or messed around with anyone else, and I've got to say that's really hard to believe. I believe him, but I know I'm a fool for it.
He's done so many things after we broke up that should make me want to have nothing to do with him.
Location Location!
DONE!
I've made two major moves in the past six months.
01 Richmond to Alexandria, VA.
02 Alexandria to Adams Morgan, D.C.
BEST MOVE I EVER FUCKKKKING MADE!
23 September 2008
16 September 2008
Ink Galore
Made an appointment with Chad to get my chest tattooed November 15th.
Not even thinking about chickening out.
Definitely fucking stoked on it.
Goin to Philly in November & back again in January to do work on my arms.
(lovin things right now)
11 September 2008
cramped
Too many mother fucking clothes, not nearly enough mother fucking space.
And it's only the first week.
09 September 2008
07 September 2008
city livin
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
D.C. Parking is lame as FUCK
I don't have a zone parking, so I have to rent out a parking spot every month. Sure no problem.
The only thing is since I live in the most expensive part of d.c. renting out a fucking lame ass mother fucking parking spot is $200 or more a month easily.
God damnit.
D.C. Parking is lame as FUCK
I don't have a zone parking, so I have to rent out a parking spot every month. Sure no problem.
The only thing is since I live in the most expensive part of d.c. renting out a fucking lame ass mother fucking parking spot is $200 or more a month easily.
God damnit.
01 September 2008
i really wanted to
learn how to play guitar, and be able to play this song with someoneee:
You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you
But I guess I never had that close of a relationship.
You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you
But I guess I never had that close of a relationship.
31 August 2008
weeklys
I think that I'm going to start just making this a random blog instead of write about my life deal. Yeah I'll probably bitch about things here and there, but less of a diary and more of a story of my days.
28 August 2008
Hearts Break
Gregory and I broke up, and I didn't even know we did.
I don't actually know what to say about it, other than this really hurts for some reason.
It's been a while, and things are just weird.
The night we broke up, he didn't stay at the apartment. I didn't understand why because at the time, again, I had no idea we broken up. So he stayed the following night, which is when I had found out we broke up.
Also in that same night, I found at that he had a hickey on his neck.
I had never felt so hurt in my life.
I also found out that he wanted ( and possibly did) stay with his ex girlfriend. I wouldn't doubt it. They had sex the first night they met, so what' stopping him now.
I found out he met and got some girl's number that he liked at a barbecue.
What the fuck am I doing?
Why in the hell am I even thinking that I want to be with him after this all happens not even a week after we break up. Even his fucking roommates are asking me what the hell am I do still helping him out, being nice, etc.
I can't believe I've put so much time and effort into making him happy and in the second we break up he does everything he possibly can do to devastate me.
I don't actually know what to say about it, other than this really hurts for some reason.
It's been a while, and things are just weird.
The night we broke up, he didn't stay at the apartment. I didn't understand why because at the time, again, I had no idea we broken up. So he stayed the following night, which is when I had found out we broke up.
Also in that same night, I found at that he had a hickey on his neck.
I had never felt so hurt in my life.
I also found out that he wanted ( and possibly did) stay with his ex girlfriend. I wouldn't doubt it. They had sex the first night they met, so what' stopping him now.
I found out he met and got some girl's number that he liked at a barbecue.
What the fuck am I doing?
Why in the hell am I even thinking that I want to be with him after this all happens not even a week after we break up. Even his fucking roommates are asking me what the hell am I do still helping him out, being nice, etc.
I can't believe I've put so much time and effort into making him happy and in the second we break up he does everything he possibly can do to devastate me.
17 August 2008
dear dad
i haven't talked to you in mmmm i will go since mm maybe my birthday back in may (possibly june is when we spoke last). i am perfectly okay with this, it might even be making my life a little bit less stressful.
xo
favourite
xo
favourite
13 August 2008
Remembering
So the first photo is the tattoo on my inner right arm. It's a portrait of my Papaw when he was in the Marines in the 50's. I got the tattoo done December of 07.
Second photograph, his grave-site.
09 August 2008
Together Forever
My papaw had an unconditional love for his wife, Lois.
Sadly, she passed away in 1988. She died of cancer. Lois was in the hospital, and she had told Papaw she wanted to be home. The doctor's told him she would be dead within a few weeks. He told them all to go to hell because she wanted to be home. He took her home, and she died three days later.
That's where Papaw wanted to be. He just wanted to be home. He wanted to die where his wife died. He's been without her for over 20 years, and I can't imagine how lonely he has been. He promised her when she died that he would never get re-married or love anyone else. He never did. I never even heard him speak of another woman in my life.
Now that he's gone, I'm hoping he's with her. I hope that she still loves him, which I can't imagine how she wouldn't. Papaw had a heart of gold, which is so hard to say about people these days. I never met her, but I have heard nothing but the best of things about her.
He actually bought her a cadillac back in the 80's. She wanted one so bad, so he went out and bought one to surprise her. She absolutely loved it. She was only able to drive it once before she became really sick and was unable to do much. She passed, and he chose to keep that car because he bought it for her. He's had multiple cars throughout the years, but he never once sold that cadillac. It reminded him of how happy she was.
He loved her so much, and their marriage was amazing.
I hope that I can find that. Someone who will unconditionally love me no matter what, and I love them in return without hesitation.
Sadly, she passed away in 1988. She died of cancer. Lois was in the hospital, and she had told Papaw she wanted to be home. The doctor's told him she would be dead within a few weeks. He told them all to go to hell because she wanted to be home. He took her home, and she died three days later.
That's where Papaw wanted to be. He just wanted to be home. He wanted to die where his wife died. He's been without her for over 20 years, and I can't imagine how lonely he has been. He promised her when she died that he would never get re-married or love anyone else. He never did. I never even heard him speak of another woman in my life.
Now that he's gone, I'm hoping he's with her. I hope that she still loves him, which I can't imagine how she wouldn't. Papaw had a heart of gold, which is so hard to say about people these days. I never met her, but I have heard nothing but the best of things about her.
He actually bought her a cadillac back in the 80's. She wanted one so bad, so he went out and bought one to surprise her. She absolutely loved it. She was only able to drive it once before she became really sick and was unable to do much. She passed, and he chose to keep that car because he bought it for her. He's had multiple cars throughout the years, but he never once sold that cadillac. It reminded him of how happy she was.
He loved her so much, and their marriage was amazing.
I hope that I can find that. Someone who will unconditionally love me no matter what, and I love them in return without hesitation.
06 August 2008
Lost the Greatest Person of All
On Friday August 1st 2008, my grandfather died. We called him Papaw so for the rest of this insert that's what I'll be using.
My mother had found him on the floor maybe two weeks prior to this. He was in his bathroom, at his home, and having a heart attack. My mom called paramedics, they came, but no now knew at the time that he was having this mild heart attack. Little did anyone know, even the fucking doctor, he was continuing to have these mild heart attacks throughout the week at the hospital. He had a minor heart surgery done, where they went in just to see what was clogged and what's okay. After the surgery was over we were told he would be fine, and would be able to probably send him home within a few days.
The doctor pressed us to put him in a nursing home, but that's definitely one thing that he would refuse to do.
(Papaw had a major heart attack probably about three years back. He scared everyone, and we were almost sure we were going to lose him. He pulled through and ever since then he hasn't been quite on. He still lived at home, by himself, but his mind has just been slowly slipping since then. He steadily was losing more and more weight over the years too. He was becoming so frail and thin from his prior 200lb stature he maintained for so long. He wasn't healthy.)
So after the surgery he went back to his hospital bed he hated so much waiting for us to take him home. But then all of sudden he took a turn for the worse. He tried to get out of the hospital bed and the nurses found him on the floor struggling. He went to the ICU (intensive care unit) that night. He stayed there for a little while. And then all of a sudden he was put on life support. They took him off, but he couldn't survive for more than an hour. So then he was put on full life support. The breathing tubes down his throat, medicated, one million tubes in him like he's a pin-cushion. Papaw had a living will saying if he was ever in this state to just pull the plug. So that's what we chose to do.
On Friday August 1st, we pulled his life support off around noon, or 12:30 p.m. Me, my mom, and two of his other daughters were there with him when we initially took him off. We were sent out of the room at the time, but then were allowed to come back in. Now previous times I had went to see Papaw, he had been asleep. Never woke up once. However today, he was wide awake. We came back in the room, he got to see us all. I never left his side once. I was holding his hand since the moment I walked in. People came in and out, to say their goodbyes and whatnot.
I felt so bad. I knew he wanted to get out of there. He even wrote a note that week saying "I want to bust out of here." He couldn't stand it at the hospital, so that day we kept saying you'll be home soon. I think he realized what we were doing, letting him go. By the time five or six o clock rolled around it was just my mom and I left in there with him. We both said we wanted to be by his side. I never left once during the day. Every time I let go of his hand he would look at me, and put his hand out for me to hold on to it again. Probably around six, seven he began breathing so hard. His eyes rolled back in his head, and it was like he was holding on for his life. You could see he was struggling, his heart was beating so hard. This continued on until probably eight or nine p.m. I told my mom I was falling asleep and so I stepped out to go get some coffee. As soon as I left, I got a call from my mom saying he had died. I couldn't believe I left at that moment. Despite the fact he had stopped actually holding my hand hours ago, I wanted him to know I was there, and I wasn't.
I think I have this grudge now, against the fact that i told him all day I would be there with him until the end. And then I wasn't. I wasn't fucking there and I am having a really hard time accepting the fact that i can't change that. I knew some of the his children didn't want to be in there, couldn't stand seeing him like that.. but I needed to be in there. I needed to know he went okay, that he knew I was next to him.
We buried him that Monday. Of course, he looked nothing like himself. The funeral was nice. I hated the viewing. All of these people who came who hasn't come around in years. "oh I remember seeing you where you were thiisss high" I didn't care. I didn't care to see any of those people's faces who said they cared so much for him, but has not been around in four or five years. I wanted to yell at all of them to ask him how they felt. To ask if they cared that they missed out on on some of the last years of his life.
Born 8/30/1930
Died 8/01/2008
My mother had found him on the floor maybe two weeks prior to this. He was in his bathroom, at his home, and having a heart attack. My mom called paramedics, they came, but no now knew at the time that he was having this mild heart attack. Little did anyone know, even the fucking doctor, he was continuing to have these mild heart attacks throughout the week at the hospital. He had a minor heart surgery done, where they went in just to see what was clogged and what's okay. After the surgery was over we were told he would be fine, and would be able to probably send him home within a few days.
The doctor pressed us to put him in a nursing home, but that's definitely one thing that he would refuse to do.
(Papaw had a major heart attack probably about three years back. He scared everyone, and we were almost sure we were going to lose him. He pulled through and ever since then he hasn't been quite on. He still lived at home, by himself, but his mind has just been slowly slipping since then. He steadily was losing more and more weight over the years too. He was becoming so frail and thin from his prior 200lb stature he maintained for so long. He wasn't healthy.)
So after the surgery he went back to his hospital bed he hated so much waiting for us to take him home. But then all of sudden he took a turn for the worse. He tried to get out of the hospital bed and the nurses found him on the floor struggling. He went to the ICU (intensive care unit) that night. He stayed there for a little while. And then all of a sudden he was put on life support. They took him off, but he couldn't survive for more than an hour. So then he was put on full life support. The breathing tubes down his throat, medicated, one million tubes in him like he's a pin-cushion. Papaw had a living will saying if he was ever in this state to just pull the plug. So that's what we chose to do.
On Friday August 1st, we pulled his life support off around noon, or 12:30 p.m. Me, my mom, and two of his other daughters were there with him when we initially took him off. We were sent out of the room at the time, but then were allowed to come back in. Now previous times I had went to see Papaw, he had been asleep. Never woke up once. However today, he was wide awake. We came back in the room, he got to see us all. I never left his side once. I was holding his hand since the moment I walked in. People came in and out, to say their goodbyes and whatnot.
I felt so bad. I knew he wanted to get out of there. He even wrote a note that week saying "I want to bust out of here." He couldn't stand it at the hospital, so that day we kept saying you'll be home soon. I think he realized what we were doing, letting him go. By the time five or six o clock rolled around it was just my mom and I left in there with him. We both said we wanted to be by his side. I never left once during the day. Every time I let go of his hand he would look at me, and put his hand out for me to hold on to it again. Probably around six, seven he began breathing so hard. His eyes rolled back in his head, and it was like he was holding on for his life. You could see he was struggling, his heart was beating so hard. This continued on until probably eight or nine p.m. I told my mom I was falling asleep and so I stepped out to go get some coffee. As soon as I left, I got a call from my mom saying he had died. I couldn't believe I left at that moment. Despite the fact he had stopped actually holding my hand hours ago, I wanted him to know I was there, and I wasn't.
I think I have this grudge now, against the fact that i told him all day I would be there with him until the end. And then I wasn't. I wasn't fucking there and I am having a really hard time accepting the fact that i can't change that. I knew some of the his children didn't want to be in there, couldn't stand seeing him like that.. but I needed to be in there. I needed to know he went okay, that he knew I was next to him.
We buried him that Monday. Of course, he looked nothing like himself. The funeral was nice. I hated the viewing. All of these people who came who hasn't come around in years. "oh I remember seeing you where you were thiisss high" I didn't care. I didn't care to see any of those people's faces who said they cared so much for him, but has not been around in four or five years. I wanted to yell at all of them to ask him how they felt. To ask if they cared that they missed out on on some of the last years of his life.
Born 8/30/1930
Died 8/01/2008
29 July 2008
cntd.
And we went to North Carolina, which tends to usually be fun even though I always thing North Carolina's gonna be lame and full of country redneck people with horrible accents.
I'm usually right about the ridiculous accents.
I'm usually right about the ridiculous accents.
26 July 2008
panama city beach
Went to Panama City Beach, FL with Gregory to meet some of his family.
Everyone was so nice, it was crazy. I wish my family was half as close as his.
few photos:
I took photos of actual Flordia, but I can't find them.
xo
Everyone was so nice, it was crazy. I wish my family was half as close as his.
few photos:
I took photos of actual Flordia, but I can't find them.
xo
29 June 2008
update
So current events:
A man was stalking me thru my window at three a.m. and I have been having nightmares every night since. If I'm about to fall asleep, I feel like someone's grabbed me and so I jump up real quick to find nobody even in the same room.
I was just scared shitless. I wouldn't be able to imagine the physco-logical damage to someone who was actually intruded on, raped, or whatever.
I was driving my ma's jeep and we got hit by a semi-truck. Pretty sure the jeep is totaled, and I'm reaalllyy hoping that the other man is at fault.
I have officialy moved in with Gregory. We leave for Flordia in a couple of days and when I get back I need to find a job, immediately. I cannot stand being a housewife and being at home all day to have nothing to do but cook or clean. I need to get out. (And actually, even thought it's only been a few days.. I am sure that he wouldn't mind coming home to any empty apartment for a little while after he gets off work)
So far, so good.
A man was stalking me thru my window at three a.m. and I have been having nightmares every night since. If I'm about to fall asleep, I feel like someone's grabbed me and so I jump up real quick to find nobody even in the same room.
I was just scared shitless. I wouldn't be able to imagine the physco-logical damage to someone who was actually intruded on, raped, or whatever.
I was driving my ma's jeep and we got hit by a semi-truck. Pretty sure the jeep is totaled, and I'm reaalllyy hoping that the other man is at fault.
I have officialy moved in with Gregory. We leave for Flordia in a couple of days and when I get back I need to find a job, immediately. I cannot stand being a housewife and being at home all day to have nothing to do but cook or clean. I need to get out. (And actually, even thought it's only been a few days.. I am sure that he wouldn't mind coming home to any empty apartment for a little while after he gets off work)
So far, so good.
17 June 2008
1:02 A.M.
I use to think that the worst feeling in the world, is someone telling you that they love you, and then taking it back.
But, I think the worst feeling in the world.. is loving someone so much, and knowing they never loved you at all.
But, I think the worst feeling in the world.. is loving someone so much, and knowing they never loved you at all.
13 June 2008
top 2007 movie
This movie, I thought, was excellent.
The Darjeeling Limited (Wes Anderson, United States)
Even more than to Eastern Promises, the reaction to The Darjeeling Limited underlines the fickle attitude maintained by elite criticism toward the contemporary American auteur cinema. The Darjeeling Limited does cover similar stylistic and thematic terrain to Anderson's earlier corpus (a criticism that is rarely leveled against cinema's sister arts, for what it's worth) though it does so in a fictional India that seems perfectly suited to the filmmaker's fiction. And it does so on a locomotive - a minor but rich sub-genre - that provides a rich metaphor for the film's meta-textual concern: in this case cinema rather than the theatre of Rushmore or the novel of The Royal Tenenbaums.
The Darjeeling Limited (Wes Anderson, United States)
Even more than to Eastern Promises, the reaction to The Darjeeling Limited underlines the fickle attitude maintained by elite criticism toward the contemporary American auteur cinema. The Darjeeling Limited does cover similar stylistic and thematic terrain to Anderson's earlier corpus (a criticism that is rarely leveled against cinema's sister arts, for what it's worth) though it does so in a fictional India that seems perfectly suited to the filmmaker's fiction. And it does so on a locomotive - a minor but rich sub-genre - that provides a rich metaphor for the film's meta-textual concern: in this case cinema rather than the theatre of Rushmore or the novel of The Royal Tenenbaums.
04 June 2008
31 May 2008
careeeeers
Architecture, Marine Biology, Philosophy, Law, or Painting seem to be my only interests in college. Those are all pretty different, and have nothing to do one another. I guess I'm just interested in a lot of different fields. I've already gone for a year of painting, I like it.. however I don't believe I would ever choose that as a majour, just because (depending upon the school) there are strict guidelines as to what you can paint. That, I do not like.
I took a semester in Philosophy and Ethics. I absolutely loved them. I'm not sure if it was just my teacher or the material, but I thought those were the most fascinating classes I have ever taken. They were usually about three hour lecture classes, twice a week. I can't really ever sit for that long, but I loved reading about all the material. I actually went and bought a few books on my own just because I was so into it all. The only downfall about majouring in Philosophy is that all I would have to fall back on is Teaching. Well, I'm not the teaching type. I don't want to do it, and I certainly do not have the patience for it.
Marine Biology is something I've been looking into more and more probably for about a year now. I don't know what it is, but it's all completely fascinating to me. Not so much oceanography.. which the two are very different but I can't even begin to try and explain how. But things like.. deep sea ecology, or even underwater archeology (which is different from marine biology but still having to do with the ocean). The oceans are all so vast and unexplored. I think it would be amazing if I had the opportunity to take a job that allowed me to find out all of what was down there.
Architecture is a field that I have always been interested in. I'm not too sure why, maybe because I'm pretty good in math, but there's something about me designing and constructing a building that will(hopefully) stand the test of time and that people, even after I die, will utilize it.. is a nice thought. Granted, most people do not walk in a building and say to themselves "hm I wonder who built this building and what their intention was for it" I do, but I may be one of few who do that.
Either way, you can take philosophy anywhere. I can majour in that at my current college. Marine Biology is tricky. I would either have to go a university in MD, or move all the way to southern VA by the water. (Which would probably be really nice, but sort of secluded feeling) Architecture is only offered at VA Tech, which I do not want to go there. The University of MD has a top program there, but out of state tuition is so much. Maybe I just need to move to Maryland gain residency so I can pay in-state.
I took a semester in Philosophy and Ethics. I absolutely loved them. I'm not sure if it was just my teacher or the material, but I thought those were the most fascinating classes I have ever taken. They were usually about three hour lecture classes, twice a week. I can't really ever sit for that long, but I loved reading about all the material. I actually went and bought a few books on my own just because I was so into it all. The only downfall about majouring in Philosophy is that all I would have to fall back on is Teaching. Well, I'm not the teaching type. I don't want to do it, and I certainly do not have the patience for it.
Marine Biology is something I've been looking into more and more probably for about a year now. I don't know what it is, but it's all completely fascinating to me. Not so much oceanography.. which the two are very different but I can't even begin to try and explain how. But things like.. deep sea ecology, or even underwater archeology (which is different from marine biology but still having to do with the ocean). The oceans are all so vast and unexplored. I think it would be amazing if I had the opportunity to take a job that allowed me to find out all of what was down there.
Architecture is a field that I have always been interested in. I'm not too sure why, maybe because I'm pretty good in math, but there's something about me designing and constructing a building that will(hopefully) stand the test of time and that people, even after I die, will utilize it.. is a nice thought. Granted, most people do not walk in a building and say to themselves "hm I wonder who built this building and what their intention was for it" I do, but I may be one of few who do that.
Either way, you can take philosophy anywhere. I can majour in that at my current college. Marine Biology is tricky. I would either have to go a university in MD, or move all the way to southern VA by the water. (Which would probably be really nice, but sort of secluded feeling) Architecture is only offered at VA Tech, which I do not want to go there. The University of MD has a top program there, but out of state tuition is so much. Maybe I just need to move to Maryland gain residency so I can pay in-state.
28 May 2008
expressionisim
I never kept a diary throughout my adolesence, or high school, anything. I always kept poetry. I have separate spiral notebooks per a age, or a couple of years to each book. Going back now and reading them it's pretty ridiculous. I was so depressed all during my young teenage years. Then when I seem to hit mid-teen years I all of a sudden became very intellectual and wordly. Most of my words were about the way of the world, how everything turns, how we have evolved. It's actually pretty good. I don't think I have written a poem in about two years. I mean I can write down random little lines, lyrics or whatever. But past them, I haven't written anything recently.
I've been trying to figure out what it is that made me stop writing.
I recently (in the past 2 or 3 years) have gotten very into painting, on canvas. I am a collection of paintings, portraits, abstract, etc. I absolutely love it. I tend to find my most creative time is between the hours of midnight and four a.m. I paint naked sitting on my floor with my canvas leaning against whatever. I don't know what it is, but it just makes me feel great. But for some reason or another, I haven't painted in months. I don't know if I'm not feeling inspired, or if it's just pure laziness. I would like to be inspired to paint again.
Further more, something or someone to push me.
I've been trying to figure out what it is that made me stop writing.
I recently (in the past 2 or 3 years) have gotten very into painting, on canvas. I am a collection of paintings, portraits, abstract, etc. I absolutely love it. I tend to find my most creative time is between the hours of midnight and four a.m. I paint naked sitting on my floor with my canvas leaning against whatever. I don't know what it is, but it just makes me feel great. But for some reason or another, I haven't painted in months. I don't know if I'm not feeling inspired, or if it's just pure laziness. I would like to be inspired to paint again.
Further more, something or someone to push me.
24 May 2008
birthday bash gone wrong
So my birthday was yesterday, May 23rd.
We had a party on the rooftop of my boyfriend's apartment complex. They rigged it so there were lights, music, and it actually looked pretty awesome when I finally got up there. The night was slowly turning bad, then turned good. It was up and down really. The only thing I like to drink is tequila, and they couldn't get that. So that was a huge bummer just because I hardly drank at all, all night.
I had a bunch of my NOVA friends come out, some friends from Richmond showed up off and on. So I'm glad that a fair amount of people were there. Good to see a few faces that I hadn't seen in a while.
The night was going good for the most part, then it started to get late around three a.m. maybe. Well something happened and these kids were yelling at the other one. I don't even know about what. I don't know how the verbal argument started, but then for some reason it turned into a physical one. Well out of nowhere some kid picks up a glass bottle and throws it. Turns out that the bottle shatters and ends up cutting up some kids face. Everyone backs off, doesn't know what to do, screaming, whatever. Well everyone starts to leave because by this time everything it all shot to hell.
So the next thing that happens is that Gregory decides to blame the entire incident on me. Noted, I don't have any idea why it started, what happened, and who it was actually between.. but because a kid from Richmond (where I live) through the bottle.. it was my fault. So everyone gets off the roof top and I don't know if it was because he was drunk or what.. but comes up to my face and starts bitching at me cause he's saying it's my fault. He says "let me point out the kid get over here" or something like that.. and I turn around and he grabs my arm as hard as possible to pull me over to him. It was weird because it was the first time he has ever grabbed with any force to get me to do something. I told him don't touch me, etc.
Then some of our friends helped clean up on the rooftop. I start walking away and Greg starts yelling at me that it's my fault. I'm halfway across the roof and I yell back that I couldn't do anything, etc. He just keeps screaming at me "it's all your fucking fault" so I'm walking as fast as possible trying not to fucking cry. I get half way down the stairwell, ran into a few kids, then when they were gone just fucking started to cry my eyes out. I ran to the apartment, got my keys, and went to my car. The window beside my car was bashed out, so I moved my car to the other part of the parking deck. I ended up just laying in my car for a half hour before doing anything. I was crying and so fucking mad and I didn't know what to do.
I eventually went back into the apartment, Gregory was there. He kept saying he was sorry, and he told me he loved me. That was the first time he said it. I'm pretty positive that it was completely out of the fact that he may of thought that he ruined my birthday.
Either way, the night went to shit.
We had a party on the rooftop of my boyfriend's apartment complex. They rigged it so there were lights, music, and it actually looked pretty awesome when I finally got up there. The night was slowly turning bad, then turned good. It was up and down really. The only thing I like to drink is tequila, and they couldn't get that. So that was a huge bummer just because I hardly drank at all, all night.
I had a bunch of my NOVA friends come out, some friends from Richmond showed up off and on. So I'm glad that a fair amount of people were there. Good to see a few faces that I hadn't seen in a while.
The night was going good for the most part, then it started to get late around three a.m. maybe. Well something happened and these kids were yelling at the other one. I don't even know about what. I don't know how the verbal argument started, but then for some reason it turned into a physical one. Well out of nowhere some kid picks up a glass bottle and throws it. Turns out that the bottle shatters and ends up cutting up some kids face. Everyone backs off, doesn't know what to do, screaming, whatever. Well everyone starts to leave because by this time everything it all shot to hell.
So the next thing that happens is that Gregory decides to blame the entire incident on me. Noted, I don't have any idea why it started, what happened, and who it was actually between.. but because a kid from Richmond (where I live) through the bottle.. it was my fault. So everyone gets off the roof top and I don't know if it was because he was drunk or what.. but comes up to my face and starts bitching at me cause he's saying it's my fault. He says "let me point out the kid get over here" or something like that.. and I turn around and he grabs my arm as hard as possible to pull me over to him. It was weird because it was the first time he has ever grabbed with any force to get me to do something. I told him don't touch me, etc.
Then some of our friends helped clean up on the rooftop. I start walking away and Greg starts yelling at me that it's my fault. I'm halfway across the roof and I yell back that I couldn't do anything, etc. He just keeps screaming at me "it's all your fucking fault" so I'm walking as fast as possible trying not to fucking cry. I get half way down the stairwell, ran into a few kids, then when they were gone just fucking started to cry my eyes out. I ran to the apartment, got my keys, and went to my car. The window beside my car was bashed out, so I moved my car to the other part of the parking deck. I ended up just laying in my car for a half hour before doing anything. I was crying and so fucking mad and I didn't know what to do.
I eventually went back into the apartment, Gregory was there. He kept saying he was sorry, and he told me he loved me. That was the first time he said it. I'm pretty positive that it was completely out of the fact that he may of thought that he ruined my birthday.
Either way, the night went to shit.
18 May 2008
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